


It's Easy to Not Talk about a Lack

by Nocticola



Series: Ace/Aro characters [11]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: AU season 2B, Ace writer, Aromantic Asexual Raphael Santiago, Aromantic Raphael Santiago, Asexual Raphael Santiago, Canon Asexual Character, Episode: s02e09 Bound By Blood, Episode: s02e10 By the Light of Dawn, Gen, Internalized Arophobia, Rizzy is acknowledged but not encouraged, bi dad Magnus ace son Raphael
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2018-12-17 23:47:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11862186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nocticola/pseuds/Nocticola
Summary: Raphael and Magnus talk about Raphael's feelings about Izzy and his aroaceness.





	1. Chapter 1

Even though Raphael was only a teenager when he was turned, he had already started to suspect that there was something different about him. His peers started developing interests that baffled him, but he let them slide. He was still young, wasn’t he? Something might change.

But then he ended up being forever young, and things didn’t change. He started to understand certain things about himself more. Magnus Bane was a God send (he really was, because of him he can actually *say* that). Raphael is not sure he could have survived without Magnus. But the things Raphael didn’t understand, the things lacked, he never developed them. Magnus couldn’t quite understand. Magnus loved deeply and passionately. Magnus knows that Raphael does love, he loves his human family, his clan, Magnus. But it’s not the same type of love Magnus feels. There is a silent understanding between them to not talk about it. 

But over time, Magnus worries. Camille enjoys teasing Raphael about his lack of interest. It’s mean, and Magnus can tell Raphael is bothered by it. After a while, Magnus decided to do a little research. The mundane world was starting to really show an interest in classifying sexualiaties, and Magnus hoped he might find answers for Raphael. While he’s not completely on board with Kinsey’s findings, he does appreciate the inclusion of ‘Group X’. As far as labels go, it’s not great, but he can tell it gives Raphael a little peace of mind to know he’s not alone. However, Raphael does not appreciate Magnus calling him Mr. X because of it. He really appreciates finding the labels asexual and aromantic decades later.

***  
### _Raphael: It may have started with the blood, but it’s more complicated than that, alright? I care about her. I have feelings for her. I wasn’t lying about what I said. There’s something about her. I haven’t felt this way in a long time._  
_Magnus: You’re so hooked on her blood, you can’t separate your feelings from your addiction._  
_Raphael: I thought you of all people would understand.  
_Magnus: If you truly believe that, see if you still feel the same when you’re not getting high._ ###_

__

__

Raphael looks devastated. Magnus pulls him to a hug. “My poor boy. Raphael, you know I want only what’s best for you. This situation isn’t healthy. You must know that yourself.” Raphael doesn’t return the hug, but he doesn’t move away from Magnus either, which is about the best he could hope for. Magnus pulls back so he can look at Raphael in the eyes, leaving his arms on his shoulders. He asks softly, “What happened? How did you get here?” 

Raphael looks down, ashamed. “Isabelle got addicted to yin fen. She ran out, tried to get some vampires in my clan to bite her. I stopped them. They would have probably killed her. She said she just needed one bite. So I gave it to her.” Raphael finally looks up apologetically. “I meant it, Magnus. I wasn’t going to do it again. I don’t want to be that person again. But then she… She came back to me, and she hurt herself. The blood… I tried to resist it, I swear.” 

“Oh, Raphael. It’s alright. I know you did.” Magnus holds Raphael again and this time Raphael hugs him back awkwardly. They stay like that for a moment. Magnus would like to know all the details, but there will be time for that later. His heart breaks for Raphael, and even for Isabelle, although he suspects Raphael was the more injured party. “I will help you through this again, Raphael. Don’t worry.” He strokes Raphael’s hair for a minute, helping him calm down. Magnus takes in a breath and lets it out in a sigh. There are other questions he needs to ask Raphael. He break the hug gently, now holding Raphael’s face in his hands. Raphael doesn’t break eye contact and he looks so young, his physical instead of his mental age. Magnus tries giving him an encouraging smile. 

“I have known you such a long time Raphael. I remember going through you figuring out your identity, your labels with you. I also know Isabelle, she’s a fine young woman. If what you’re feeling for her is romantic, that is perfectly fine. I’ll be happy for you both. But I want to remind you, that there is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with being asexual or aromantic. I want you to be sure you are not doing this to try to change yourself. If Isabelle makes you happy, I am happy for you. I just want you to be sure. ” 

Raphael is quiet, thoughtful. Uncomfortable. “I don’t… I still don’t want sex. It’s not what this is.” Magnus nods. “But… I might feel something for Isabelle. I’m not sure what it is. I really do care about her.” 

“I’m glad. I want you to be happy, Raphael. I just don’t want you to think you have to change yourself, trying to be someone you think you should be, not who you are. And addiction can be such an ugly and tricky thing. I want what’s the best for you.” 

“I know you do, Magnus.” 

Magnus gives him a big smile, and Raphael gives him an embarrassed one back. “Good. I’m always here for you, Raphael.” Magnus gives Raphael’s forehead a kiss, and heals his cheek. “Everything will be alright. I promise. I will help you through anything.” 

"I know." Raphael's usual determination is back in his voice. Magnus hates that it has come to this again, but they'll pull through. Raphael is strong. He can do this again. Magnus is doubtful of Raphael's feelings for Izzy; Shadowhunter blood is too potent, Raphael's previous feelings too certain; but Raphael deserves all the affection he can get. Raphael will figure things out again, he just needs time. And Magnus will always be there for him, no matter what. 


	2. Coming out to Izzy (2x10)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains internalized arophobia (because of show's aro erasure)  
> Alternate coming out scene.
> 
> I wasn't planning on continuing this at first, but then this one got subscribers and I thought it would be good to deal with the coming out scene, and what better day than February 14th to publish! Hope you enjoy.

Raphael knows he shouldn't do this. But the addiction is so strong and his feelings are so jumbled he's not sure what is real. All he knows is that he cares about Izzy. Maybe it is the blood but he doesn't care right now.

Raphael Santiago: I haven’t felt this way about anyone in a long, long time. 

Izzy Lightwood: Kiss me.

She leans into him and Raphael is at least certain of one thing. He doesn't want that. Doesn't want kissing or sex. He needs to tell her.

Raphael: It’s not like that. I’m not like that. I’m just not interested in sex.

Izzy: Being a vampire made you this way?

Such an odd assumption to make. Raphael hasn't really met other people like him, let alone vampires like him, even though he knows they exist. It seems to him becoming a vampire often has the opposite effect.

Raphael: No, I’ve always been like this.

He pauses for a moment. It might be enough information, for now. His romantic orientation has become confusing and he doesn't know how to explain that to himself, let alone Izzy. But he needs to be clear about something.

"I'm asexual. I've always known that, even if I didn't have the words."

"So... You do romantic relationships without sex. Or kissing. How does that work?"

"You're the first person I've thought of in this way... in a long time. I have more things in my life than romance. My family, my clan, they are important to me. I haven't wanted anyone like this before."

"In 60 years? Maybe... maybe my blood really is affecting you, messing with you. Have you talked about this with Magnus?"

Raphael looks down at his hands. He doesn't like Izzy's thought process. He doesn't want to be wrong about his feelings for Izzy. He doesn't want this to be just an ugly addiction. He wants it to be real. But he can still smell Izzy's blood, he can still taste it. He needs to stop. It's the only way to figure things out.

"Yes, I have." He doesn't want to strengthen Izzy's doubts by telling her Magnus shares them.

"Asexual doesn't always mean aromantic. I have been using both but maybe I was wrong. Maybe I *can* love." Raphael hates the desperation in his voice, and he's not even quite sure what it's about. Does he want Izzy? Is this the addiction talking? He's been fine being aromantic, does he want that to change? Why? 

"But you *do* love. Like you said, you love your family, Magnus, and your clan. We should probably cool this thing until you have things figured out." Izzy gets up to leave. Raphael gets a loose hold of her hand before she gets too far. For a moment both of them try to figure out what to say.

"I really do care about you, Izzy." Raphael lets her hand fall away. Izzy gives him a tired smile.

"I care about you, too. That's why we should figure our stuff out before trying anything. I don't want to force you into someone you're not."

Izzy leaves and Raphael is left alone with his thoughts. He knows what he needs to do. He takes out his phone. 

"Magnus? I need help."


	3. Would you ever have sex?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aromantic and asexual Raphael talks about relationships with Izzy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Raphael's coming out in 2x10 I saw the writers being all 'we wanted to pair very sexual Izzy with asexual Raphael' and I wanna deal with that more. What Raphael being sex neutral/repulsed would really mean.
> 
> This is 2B AU because I haven't rewatched it to get canon appropriate reactions, and I want to write the relationship as a platonic friendship without all the bullshit Izzy pulled re: Rose and Simon. 
> 
> I know Izzy said that she would have been fine with a sexless relationship and that in 3x4 made the point that no sex made the relationship different to her usual ones, which I appreciate to an extend, but I want to write about about aro!Raphael and you would think that Izzy had some more questions.
> 
> Anyway, here is platonic!Raphael and Izzy, talking about aceness and aroness.  
> CW acephobic and arophobic questions because ignorance.

"Would you ever have sex?"

Raphael looks up from his cooking at Izzy. After dealing with their addiction issues, they have decided to try having a proper friendship. Raphael is cooking for Rosa again while Izzy sits at the couch, looking at him curiously. 

Raphael can't help the momentary anger that rises in him at the question.  
"Why would you ask that?"

Izzy is taken aback by his tone, which Raphael can't really blame her for. Sometimes his temper gets the better of him. He mumbles a 'sorry', and gives her an apologetic smile. Izzy seems placated by that. She shrugs while explaining herself.

"I'm curious. Sex can be really awesome. And the idea that someone has no interest in it... I just wanna understand."

Izzy gets up from the couch to sit with Raphael in the kitchen.

"I mean, if you really loved someone, if you were with someone and they wanted to have sex, wouldn't you do that for them? To make them happy?"

Raphael concentrates on his cooking for a minute, ignoring yet mulling on Izzy's question. He thought he was through having to think about and explain these things. But getting addicted to Shadowhunter blood, to *Izzy's* blood, it confused him. He's glad that's over now. But he did struggle with these things a lot when he was younger, for a lack of a better word.

Once his cooking is done, he has run out of delaying tactics and faces Izzy again. He gives a short humorless laugh,  


"I don't think I even love like that. I thought I might love you like that, but that was the addiction. Besides, if I did get into a relationship like that, if they loved me, would they really demand that from me?" 

"I don't know if 'demand' is the right word, necessarily," Izzy starts before Raphael interrupts her.

"Isabelle, even when my feelings were a mess, I didn't want to kiss you. Not only do I not experience sexual or romantic attraction, I do not have any desire for either. I don't want sex or romance. I do not really see either changing. If by some strange occurrence I did end up in a relationship, the other person should accept that. I do not see why I should be the one compromising about something like that. Sex is not a need."

It's not really the first time he's given this lecture, but it has been a while. Apparently, he can be rather desirable to other people, although he doesn't understand why.

Izzy has fallen silent. She seems to be really mulling over Raphael's words. 

"I don't think I ever really thought about that. Sex has usually played such a big part in my relationships, I'm not even sure what they'd be without sex. The two just seem to go together for me. For most people I know. But I see why that's not always the case. I guess there's still a part of me who doesn't quite understand, but you're my friend, Raphael and I support you."

Raphael smiles at Izzy, "Thank you."

Izzy helps Raphael take the food to Rosa and they end up having a very competitive Bingo session. Their relationship started terribly, but maybe they can make something good out of it.


End file.
